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Trump Makes Deal To Sell Alaska
Back To Russia

President Trump announced at a
press conference today that "I made a
historic deal to sell Alaska back to
Russia for 7.2 trillion dollars. We
bought Alaska some number of years
ago for about 7 million. Even for me,
that's a hell of a profit."
He went on to explain that the Russians plan to build a "big, beautiful
military base" that they will use to help defend the U.S. if we are ever
attacked by Europe or China, "all at no cost to us."

Trump said we will use the money from the sale to give large subsidies
to "resorts, hotels and other job creating businesses."

"And the best part," he continued, "is that Russia plans to re-name
their new territory Trumpdurak in my honor. It means Trump the great
or something like that."

When asked what would happen to the people living in Alaska, Trump
replied, "That's not my problem. Those people are Russians now."
President Pardons Himself and His Children

President Trump issued blanket pardons today for himself and each of
his five children, pardoning them all for "any federal crimes they have
committed or may commit either knowingly or unknowingly."

After signing the pardons Trump tweeted, "My pardon powers are
absolute. With all the WITCH HUNTS going on against me and my
family I would be a fool not to take advantage."
Kanye West Says He Will Appoint All-Black Cabinet if Elected

Presidential candidate Kanye West said today that if he is elected he
will appoint the first ever all-black cabinet. He stated that he hasn't yet
spoken to his preferred candidates, but some of his picks would be
Fifty Cent for Treasury, Denzel Washington for Defense, Alicia Keys
for State, Spike Lee for Justice and Kobe Bryant for Health and Human
Services.

West has not yet picked a running mate but he said that his preference
is Beyonce "if she ever returns my calls."
Scientists Predict Zombie Apocalypse in 2021

Epidemiologists have discovered a form of "super-rabies" in bats
and small mammals that can be transmitted to humans. The virus is
incurable but not fatal. However, it destroys the brain until the infected
creature is left with nothing but a ravenous desire to eat any living
creature it comes across.

The virus can only be transmitted through an exchange of bodily fluids,
such as a bite that breaks the skin, and so far no humans have been
infected. But scientists believe that it's only a matter of time and when
it happens world leaders will ignore it until it's too late.