The less insane version of
Donald Trump speaks
candidly for the first time ever.
The Strange Times: Let’s start right off with the big question; are you even eligible to
Ted Cruz: Of course. I’m still a naturally born citizen, even if I was technically born in
Canada. That’s practically part of the United States anyway. It’s not like I was born in
Kenya or something.
TST: There has been a persistent rumor about you floating around the internet. I know
it’s ridiculous, but I have to ask; are you the Zodiac Killer?
TC: I’m not going to answer that question, because if were the Zodiac Killer I would
just deny it anyway, right? I mean, what kind of a serial killer would I be if I just fessed
up whenever somebody asked?
TST: Not a very successful one?
TC: Damn straight.
TST: Some say that you’re unpopular with your colleagues, even your fellow
Republicans in the Senate, because you’re not a very likable person. How would you
TC: Not true. I disagree with my colleagues sometimes, but on a personal level I think
I’m a very likable person, and any morons that can’t see that can go f### themselves.
TST: Do you think you can overtake Donald Trump and win the Republican nomination?
TC: I think being a strong second is a good position to be in right now, because
nobody wants Trump to be president, not even Donald Trump. He just knows that the
further he goes, the fatter the TV contract he’ll get when it’s all over. Then he can
make big bucks spouting his BS on television.
TST: BS? Isn’t his rhetoric just a slightly more extreme version of what Republican
leaders have been saying for years, including yourself?
TC: It’s not so much what he says as how he says it. Completely undiplomatic. Like
arguing politics with a fifth grader. Like, you don’t say, “we want to ban all Muslims.”
You say, “we need to take a much closer look at people entering our country from
nations with large terrorist populations.” That way the Muslim-haters know that you’re
in their corner, but it sounds much more reasonable to everybody else.
TST: What’s the first thing you would do as president?
TC: Gosh, there’s so many things that need to be done. Repeal Obamacare, outlaw
homosexual marriage, get rid of the EPA, lower taxes and cut spending- the list goes
on and on. We have a lot of work to do if we ever want to get back to being the great,
God-fearing nation we were in the fifties.
TST: You mean back when white men ruled supreme and everybody else knew their
TC: It worked for two hundred years. That’s what made us great.
TST: Last question; if Trump wins the Republican nomination would you be willing to
run as his vice president?
TC: No way. In fact, if he wins the general election there’s a good chance I’ll be
returning to my native Canada, at least for the next four years.